I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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