I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
