Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
