I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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