i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
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