Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I love how my cats smell like pot.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
