Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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