we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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