Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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