My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
