Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize