tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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