miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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