my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
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