I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
