I can tuck mytits in my pants
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
