made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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