I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
not ubering you a puppy
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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