Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
