He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize