I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
