So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
