Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
