she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
