Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
