I like to think it a success when the cops are called
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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