i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
