He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize