$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
