I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
