i just had sex bonerless
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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