I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
