I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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