I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize