I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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