just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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