it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
