They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
