Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
