I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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