She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
