mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
