I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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