I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
