A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i wish my penis had a tongue
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
