It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
