Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
