the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
