This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
