does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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