Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
