why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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