I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
