just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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