Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
