There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
