The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Randomize
